new paths, again (sigh)
Jul. 14th, 2011 10:34 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
llcoolvadI don’t really share much here about my private life, but this is driving so many of my actions lately I feel like I need to. A bit more than a week ago, Brian and I broke up. More specifically, Brian broke up with me, but honestly if he hadn’t I would have, eventually. It wasn’t a shock, let’s put it that way. And yet! I am mourning.
I think what I mourn the most is the loss of the narrative I had in my head. Our future together. It wasn’t like I sat around dreaming endlessly of our lives, but as you proceed in your daily life you think things like “when we get a house we should make sure that we…” or “the next place we live together needs to have room so he can…” or “I really want to travel together this summer, now that we have some money”. And those pathways that I inadvertently wrote in my brain, those all have to change now. The Ex.
It’s been a very long time since my last lengthy relationship. Gary, my workplace boyfriend, only lasted a few months. Prior to him, years and years of nothing. I got very comfortable alone. Thinking of my future rather than our future. Not having to check with anyone before I did anything, accepted plans, made decisions. But then I moved in with Mom for a bunch of years and got re-used to having my time accounted for. And then I moved in with Brian, and I wasn’t just used to it, I liked it. At least most of the time. Companionship. Built-in stuff to do. Sharing the minutiae of daily life. Partnership.
And now I’m back to being unpartnered. Single. It’s unpleasantly unfamiliar, now.
So we’re still living together, because finances are still bad. It’s not terrible, although it’s occasionally awkward. He has one floor, I have a different one, so we don’t need to spend much time together. We’re trying to stay friends, and mostly it’s working. Of course, it’s early days yet. He has a new friend that he’s talking to constantly that definitely upsets me, because he has this new thing to focus on, this new diversion, and I don’t have a diversion. I am jealous and sad, and that makes me feel stupid.
I’ve been focusing on my health the last few weeks. I got some lecturing from my doctor when I had my annual physical, and he really freaked me out this time. I managed to lose 20 pounds since this spring, at least half of it in the last two weeks, and it’s helping to improve my physical well-being. I’ve been eating much better, using LoseIt! to track my daily progress. I’ve been using my CPAP machine pretty much all night, every night, and I feel somewhat better and slightly more alert. I have an interview with a recruiter set up for Monday to see what she thinks I’m worth on the market, because honestly I need to make more money. I'm hoping that will relieve some stress right there.
I’ve also been making sure to treat myself as well as I can every day, by getting outside and sitting in the sun at lunch, by reading good books, by cranking up tunes in the car and singing the whole way home, etc. I’ve been avoiding things that make me sad, and I’ve been really focused on filling my time up. So that’s all good.
But I’ve got this overall level of sad. I feel like a failure. And I expect that’s going to take a long time to pass.
I think what I mourn the most is the loss of the narrative I had in my head. Our future together. It wasn’t like I sat around dreaming endlessly of our lives, but as you proceed in your daily life you think things like “when we get a house we should make sure that we…” or “the next place we live together needs to have room so he can…” or “I really want to travel together this summer, now that we have some money”. And those pathways that I inadvertently wrote in my brain, those all have to change now. The Ex.
It’s been a very long time since my last lengthy relationship. Gary, my workplace boyfriend, only lasted a few months. Prior to him, years and years of nothing. I got very comfortable alone. Thinking of my future rather than our future. Not having to check with anyone before I did anything, accepted plans, made decisions. But then I moved in with Mom for a bunch of years and got re-used to having my time accounted for. And then I moved in with Brian, and I wasn’t just used to it, I liked it. At least most of the time. Companionship. Built-in stuff to do. Sharing the minutiae of daily life. Partnership.
And now I’m back to being unpartnered. Single. It’s unpleasantly unfamiliar, now.
So we’re still living together, because finances are still bad. It’s not terrible, although it’s occasionally awkward. He has one floor, I have a different one, so we don’t need to spend much time together. We’re trying to stay friends, and mostly it’s working. Of course, it’s early days yet. He has a new friend that he’s talking to constantly that definitely upsets me, because he has this new thing to focus on, this new diversion, and I don’t have a diversion. I am jealous and sad, and that makes me feel stupid.
I’ve been focusing on my health the last few weeks. I got some lecturing from my doctor when I had my annual physical, and he really freaked me out this time. I managed to lose 20 pounds since this spring, at least half of it in the last two weeks, and it’s helping to improve my physical well-being. I’ve been eating much better, using LoseIt! to track my daily progress. I’ve been using my CPAP machine pretty much all night, every night, and I feel somewhat better and slightly more alert. I have an interview with a recruiter set up for Monday to see what she thinks I’m worth on the market, because honestly I need to make more money. I'm hoping that will relieve some stress right there.
I’ve also been making sure to treat myself as well as I can every day, by getting outside and sitting in the sun at lunch, by reading good books, by cranking up tunes in the car and singing the whole way home, etc. I’ve been avoiding things that make me sad, and I’ve been really focused on filling my time up. So that’s all good.
But I’ve got this overall level of sad. I feel like a failure. And I expect that’s going to take a long time to pass.
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no subject
Date: 2011-07-15 03:25 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-07-18 02:34 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-07-15 04:58 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-07-15 05:11 am (UTC)I thought you two were great. But what do I know?
Well, I guess everytime I break up I feel like it's the end of the world, even though it's not. Sounds like you are taking a good perspective?
Hugs for you.
no subject
Date: 2011-07-18 02:35 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-07-15 02:18 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-07-18 02:36 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-07-15 07:33 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-07-16 05:54 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-07-17 09:34 pm (UTC)When I am in this situation, I like to (in no particular order):
1) write down all the reasons we didn't work out, so I don't stupidly FORGET later and start stupidly wishing we were back together
2) think over all the new things the person inspired me to try and become and decide which of those things I want to try to keep, and which I can now gleefully get rid of
3) have a mourning period, because there were good things
4) do things that I didn't get to do as much as I would have liked because the other person didn't like to--watch the sort of movies he doesn't like but I do, etc.
Well, those are the smarter things I do.
Bummer about having to watch him have a new friend. At least if your fabulous neighbor is ever forced to take sides, he'll always pick yours! So ha!
And mega bummer about feeling like a failure. Do take this opportunity to learn from any mistakes, sure. But relationships are about two people and how they match up--not matching up well in some areas doesn't necessarily mean that one of the people is wrong in those areas.
At least you know that you can be happy alone and you can also be happy in a relationship, so you don't have to do anything desperate.
I love staying friends with my exes, and I hope that works out for you, but if it doesn't, then it doesn't.
I'm sorry you're hurting, and I add my voice to all the others in wishing you well.
no subject
Date: 2011-07-18 02:39 am (UTC)The singing in the car is REALLY cathartic. Highly recommended.