then she appeared

It's possible that within the next two weeks I won't have a job anymore. The rumor mill is churning in overdrive right now: there's some pretty good evidence that we've been purchased, and that there will be big changes in staffing. We've heard it's a done deal. In fact, some reps from the new company were in a conference room here the other night, typing away furiously on laptops, and no one was allowed in (including people needing to fix things so they could use them in that room). The partners had a big meeting two nights ago. One of the founders of our company is leaving to go back to teaching. My direct managers are all in a "review" meeting right now (it's the end of the year, performance review-wise, so they COULD actually be doing that, but it seems pointless).

We've heard also that if we do retain our jobs we'll have to move offices, because they're renting ours out. Thanks to Sandy, our NYC office is offline until at least Monday, so we're all pretty sure we won't hear anything definitive until after they reopen. But the rumor is that everything will be done, i.e., decisions made about staffing, etc., by mid-month November.

The thing is, I would LOVE to be laid off right now. I would be SO HAPPY. They'd probably do a decent severance. I'd qualify for unemployment. I live in Massachusetts, so I'd be fine for health insurance. I live with Mom, so I wouldn't be out on the street. It's an ideal time, really, if such things can be ideal. [Which of course means I will not get laid off.]

The other thing is that the new company is a good company to work for. Huge huge company. Better benefits than ours. Highly regarded in the industry. Good promotion record for women. Women in upper management positions. So if I end up over there, that might be good, too. At least it would be a new company on my resume. I've worked at the same place for almost 13 years, now, which in the modern economy looks like I'm stagnating (which is true). Having a new company on my resume would be good.

So really, either way is good. I'd prefer the layoff. But at least at the new company I'd have opportunities to move into new positions. There isn't really anything I'd want to do at my current company. So we're all on edge, waiting for the shoe to drop.

In other news, my kitty has a new name. No more Mr. Whiskers, he's now Zachary. Mom gave me a list of names she liked, and I picked it off the list. Cooperation! Zach Johnson is a golfer she likes, so Zach it is. We're calling him Zach Black. He's rambunctious and adorable. And sometimes I want to kill him. And sometimes Sally Ali wants to kill him. But we're managing. He's very smart and very curious, and he occasionally ends up with a face full of cobwebs due to his curiosity and my inadequate housekeeping skills. Mr. Whiskers, indeed.

My exercising is less than satisfactory, and I've been eating a bunch. I'm on the upside of the four to five pounds I keep surfing, so that's not good. This stupid knee is sometimes better, and sometimes awful. I slept poorly last night, tossing and turning, achy all over, and that's true more often than not. I'll probably have to see my doctor about it, because it's just not good and I need a plan of action. I have a prescription for Tramadol, but I don't want to just treat the symptons. I'd like to see what I can do to solve it.

It's a new month, so I'm hoping to double down and get busy again. I haven't walked since Saturday, and here it is Thursday. I'll walk at lunch today, but I am so out of my groove. I've even been forgetting to put the Fitbit on.

Exercise Oct 20-Oct 30
Sat: Nothing; Fitbit logged 3,200 steps
Sun: Walking 60 min; Fitbit logged 9,700 steps
Mon: Nothing; Fitbit logged 4,000 steps
Tue: Walking 40 min; Didn't wear Fitbit
Wed: Nothing; Didn't wear Fitbit
Thu: Walking 45 min; Didn't wear Fitbit
Fri: Nothing; Fitbit logged 7,000 steps
Sat: Walking 40 min Fitbit logged 8,200 steps
Sun: Nothing; Fitbit logged 5,100
Mon: Nothing; Didn't wear Fitbit
Tue: Nothing; Didn't wear Fitbit

Had a week. Went to PT a few times. One time involved a kinda painful deep tissue massage on the inside of my leg and knee, so that sucked because it hurt for four days after, but then it started to feel better overall. Also am doing my stretching exercises. Picked up three more exercises, now have to do six, three times each, two times per day. Sheesh! Apparently you have to stabilize the hips and ankles to make the knees better, so that's sorta interesting. And also interesting because my hip hurts a bunch anyway.

Managed to get a few things done when I had some energy last Wednesday. Lots of housework, moving of air conditioners, laundry, organized the closet finally, etc. Hung out with P for a bit watching Revenge. Sunday he and I went over to Stephen and Val's for dinner, which was fun.

Exercise Oct 2-Oct 9:
Tue: Walking 20 min (started to rain!); Fitbit logged 5,000 steps
Wed: Nothing; Fitbit logged 4,500 steps
Thu: Walking 30 min; Fitbit logged 8,400 steps
Fri: Walking 10 min, weight lifting 45 min; Fitbit logged 5,500 steps
Sat: Walking 50 min; Fitbit logged 10,400 steps
Sun: Walking 60 min; Fitbit logged 11,400 steps (and 32 flights of stairs! thanks, Breakheart!)
Mon: Nothing; Fitbit logged 2,500 steps
Tue: Walking 55 min; Fitbit logged 10,300 steps

HATED exercising all week, right up until I went back outside and walked on Saturday, and then again on Sunday at Breakheart. I do much better outside. Was exhausted on Monday, no idea why. Barely did the food shopping, otherwise was pretty comatose all day; finished reading a book. Maybe the excitement of two days in a row walking did it. Didn't even go to weight lifting. Turns out it was probably for the best, as I found out today at PT that one of the things I do regularly at the gym is a very bad idea for someone with my back issue, so I will now stop doing that thing! I have a new thing I can do, so that's all good.

Yesterday I managed to get my walk done at lunch, again back outside. I was feeling pretty pokey and slow, however, feeling every ache and creak. PT told me to take it slower while the knee is getting better, but I don't know if I'd be able to speed along right now anyway. Can't tell if it's physical or mental, this malaise. Hope it hits the road soon!

Last week I decided to email the director of my YMCA to thank her for running a good facility. I pointed out a few specific things that I really appreciated, like my class and the pool with full time lifeguards, etc. I got a nice email back from her in which she told me that most of the email she gets involved requests or suggestions for improvement, so getting my email made her day. That was nice! And then it would seem that my good karma came back to me in the form of a weekly win in my LoseIt/YMCA challenge (the Hometown Wellness Showdown, which I have been participating in): a $50 gift card to New Balance! Cool timing.

I logged into LoseIt today and saw a banner across the page suggesting that I upgrade to "premium", and that the upgrade was on sale for $14.99 down from I think $39.99. Since I've been using them for over a year for free and have lost about 85 pounds almost directly due to them, I decided that upgrading was a good thing even if I didn't use any new features. They deserve the cash! If an app is good I usually upgrade. They just didn't ask me to until now. Looks like the new features are interesting, so I'll have to explore that.

I also bought the Humble Bundle today. I only had one of the books already, and it's good to feed the authors and donate to charity. I paid $25, although they'll accept any amount. Now I'll just have to up my reading pace to get through them all.

Forgot to stick this in my last entry. Feel compelled to report in!

Exercise Sep 11-19:
Tue: Nothing. Shopped all day; Fitbit logged 5,000 steps
Wed: Walking 30 min, stationary bike 10 min; Fitbit logged 10,000 steps
Thu: Walking and JOGGING! etc. 75 min, stupidly left Fitbit at home
Fri: Weight lifting 50 min, stationary bike 10 min; Fitbit logged 9,000 steps
Sat: Nothing, Fitbit logged 3,300 steps. Pretty low (and that included a fairly lengthy wander around the mall. I had it in my pocket, instead of clipped to my waistband. That might have made a difference?)
Sun: Nothing, Fitbit logged 2,500 steps. That was a super sedentary day!
Mon: Nothing formal, but made it to 15,000 steps on Fitbit. Big E, apple picking, much activity. Ouch!
Tue: Walking/jogging 30 min, weight lifting 20 min; Fitbit logged 9,000 steps (lunch hour at work)
Wed: Nothing; was mostly home all day so didn't put Fitbit on.

The Fitbit goal is around 10,000 steps a day. That works out to between four and five miles. You clip it on first thing in the AM and it tracks every step you take all day. I dunno really how indicative it is of health but the current wisdom suggests 10,000 steps per day is a decent idea. The Swedes suggest slightly more, depending on age and sex (kids need a lot more). Arizona State suggests categories of activity levels. Normally I guess I'd be a "low active" unless I consciously work out. You people who walk to work or commute in a non-car way probably are higher on the activity scale.

So on Tuesday I found out that running on a treadmill is easier than running outside (that's probably a big DUH to most people). Managed five full minutes a couple of times. The rest was fast walking. Leveled up in walking speed again. Yay!

I took last night off. Wanted to get some stuff done, was a little sore from the day before.

So we sent a "we're not coming" email to the client that had vanished, and I just logged in to work email and HE STILL NEVER REPLIED! It is the most bizarre thing. I cannot imagine how this guy (who used to work for our company as a consultant — so he's super tuned in to communication skills, you know?) just decides that not answering us is a good idea! Of course I don't understand how my bosses decided that email was the best method of communication, either. It is a puzzle, indeed. But it's not MY puzzle, so yay for being a low rung. So then I decided to take this week off. Really need it! Just need some brain space.

Exercise:
Tue: Walking 30 min, weight lifting 10 min (lunch break)
Wed: Walking 35 min, stationary bike 10 min
Thur: Nada
Fri: Nada (yep, missed class AGAIN!)
Sat: Walking 35 min
Sun: Walking 30 min
Mon: Walking 20 min, stationary bike 10 min, weight lifting 45 min
(my teacher asked where I was the last few classes. I lied and said I was busy at work. Ah, well. I suppose he's heard "I just wasn't feeling it, coach" loads of times and I just could have been honest. He's not being nosy, he just knows my goals and wanted to make sure I was still doing my cardio. I reassured him.)

The shorter walking times are directly treadmill-related. I can't stand being on the treadmill for a whole hour, and I just can't make myself do it. So I don't. It's better if I go off into the world. But if it rains, or I am short on time, or it is late in the day and prime mosquito time, then treadmill it is. It's all good, right? I'm getting more exercise than a lot of people, and way more than I ever used to get. I also walk faster on the treadmill than out in the wild, and my speed is (obviously) way more consistent. I've gone from an average speed of 3mph to 3.5mph, so that's a big win. I also can check my heart rate on the treadmill: I still haven't bought a heart rate monitor, so having it on the treadmill is pretty convenient. If my heart rate isn't in the "fat burning" zone I can increase the incline and crank the speed a little. I am probably going to add in my fitbit data one of these entries. Just be interesting to track (not for you, I'm sure, but I write this mostly for me).

I finally did a measurements spreadsheet. While I was plowing through scraps of paper (see below) I found a scrap I'd written measurements on earlier in the year. Idiotically, I didn't date the scrap, so I just know it was a few months ago. And comparing that with now, I've lost an inch here, a half inch there, another inch over here...so that's super.

If I have one regret for this whole weight loss process, it's that I didn't take measurements as I started. I wish I had measurements and some before pictures. I can find a few here and there, some really awful ones, but nothing full body. A few sitting down. One horrible one of me in shorts by Patrick's pool in the early 2000s. But I wish I just had a whole body before.

I took Saturday in addition to all this week (my Labor Day holiday), so I will have 10 full days off when it's done. I'm not traveling or anything. I have a lot of house stuff I want to get done. I have a few ideas of fun things to do also, however. For example, next Monday I am going to do two fun things. First, I've never actually been apple picking, so I'm going to do that with my work pal Joanne. Then, since we'll already be somewhere kinda remote, we decided we'd hit the Big E for a few hours. She's originally from Springfield, so the Big E is sort of her old stomping grounds; I haven't been in probably 20 years, so I guess I'm due! Should be fun. I plan to take many pictures, probably of cows.

I already did a couple of fun things: on Saturday I went clothes shopping. Mom had given me some cash to spend on clothes for my birthday, so I decided I'd look around in Marshall's. It still amazes me that I can find things that fit me there. And that they fit right off the rack. And that they're cheap! It's sort of miraculous. I need outerwear (the jacket I wore last spring made Patrick wince every time. "It's falling off of you! Will you buy a new jacket for god's sake!") and new fall things might be nice, too. I found a couple of vest-type jackets, so I'm still not done in the outerwear category, but I also found some good tops, another dress (!), and some awesome socks. (they're so awesome I might go back for more) I don't know what it is about the lighting in the changing rooms, but I always feel like I look great while I'm in there. My phone's camera does not capture the lighting properly, but here you go:



On Sunday Patrick and I walked down to the Victorian Fair in Melrose, and it turned out to be surprisingly fun. I expected it to be sort of half-assed and lame, but there were thousands of people there and a lot of things to see and eat and interact with. I had fried dough, because it is my favorite. Patrick got kettle corn because it is his favorite. We shared. There were strange things at the fair, including statue actors in steampunk and copper paint. There was a man dressed as Lincoln. There was Santa. There was a Victorian Lady complete with parlor setting. There were National Guardsmen and their Humvee. There were crazy people and lots of kids and dogs.



After, we had lunch accidentally at Sonic — we had intended to go elsewhere, but there was freak traffic on rte 1 and we were thirsty and nothing says thirst-slaker like Sonic. And OMG! They have this awesome low-cal Cherry Limeade. 20 cals for a large! SO EXCITED, because it was good. And tots are 220 cals. So I had some of those, too. I haven't been to Sonic since I started dieting, so that was sorta keen.

Last night I finally dealt with my mail. I am pretty slacktastic about my mail in general. It comes in, I glance at it, and unless it's something unusual I just toss it in a bag to deal with eventually. It's dumb, but there you go. I pay all my bills online, so it's not like I need return envelopes or anything. So last night I plowed through it. I made a stack of the charities that are begging me for cash, and once I have a little extra I'll be sending those out. Best to do now, before the Christmas rush. They need money all year, right?

Because I became a member of the Peabody Essex Museum and the Museum of Science this last year I've also been getting museum spam. The Isabella Stewart Gardner Museum wants me to be a "charter" member, and MOMA also would like me to cough up some dosh. Shall I be all arts-patrony? I don't know. Maybe! We'll see how much I can afford. I do love the Gardner. And I've still never been to MOMA. OH! and the local zoos have been hitting me up, too (that's probably because of the museum of science). I dunno about that one. How often would I actually go to the zoo in one year? Zoos make me sad. I don't think I can be sad more than once every few years.

Today was back to chores day. Had a funny mother moment: She's been convinced that the friendly cat from next door is dead. We used to get regular visits from said cat until Mom yelled at the woman who owned it, saying it was going to get hit by a car if she didn't keep it inside because we live on a busy intersection. So sure enough, soon after, the cat vanishes. Haven't seen him/her in months. I tried to convince my mother that the cat's owner had taken her advice. She was convinced that the cat was dead, though, because she always jumps to the worst possible explanation for something. So today it's finally cold enough outside that the cat's owner took her A/C out of her window, and when I came home I glance up and there was the cat right in the window. Came inside, pointed it out to Mom, and she says "Oh! They must have gotten another cat."

Update: Eastern Mass

Friday night was weights class, and this time the instructor didn't show up! But there were enough women there that they pieced together a pretty good workout anyway, so I managed to get about 50 minutes in of weight lifting, plus my there-and-back walk, plus 10 minutes on the bike.

Saturday was dead at work again, so Mike let us go early. Decided on IKEA with P, who spent a lot of dosh and got a lot of stuff. I got some tin boxes, and bought some Swedish meatballs and lingonberry sauce. MMM! Went back to P's place to help him trim Gracie's nails. I think we finally have a workable system for that, so it should be easier going forward. She looked disgruntled, but there was no blood loss on either side. Win!

I didn't leave the house at all on Sunday — spent the whole day cleaning. Got through about eight loads of laundry (mostly Mom's stuff), cleaned the whole kitchen including floor, cleaned the whole bathroom including floor and washing all the towels, cleaned my bedroom including changing the bedding, vacuuming, cleaning off my desk. Updated stuff on my phone, synced new playlist for a new audio book. Other mundane stuff like that. Productive, but nothing much to report.

Monday was more busy stuff: had lunch out, did groceries, recycling, more laundry, then made dinner for mom and went to gym. Trying to get the most out of my time at the gym, so this time I did more than ever before: 20 min swimming (or so), 35 min weight lifting (class), 15 min bike, 3 min elliptical, 25 min walking (to and from the gym, that is). So that's a full hour and a half of exercising. Pretty good! I need to start with the elliptical next time, as I did it almost last (after 1/2 walk, bike, weights) so I was pretty pooped. I did the swimming last, which meant I could do one length of the pool, then would have to stop and catch my breath for a bit, then another length, etc. I think I did 16 lengths? But I wasn't really paying close attention. I know I was in there for about 30 minutes, so I'm counting 20 of that as swimming time. Ish. I'm not even remotely speedy. I might have to do the swimming on nights when I don't do the weights because my arms were pretty tired. I just get enthused once I'm there.

Today I woke up feeling head-coldy, sorta. I had already arranged to be off work so I could take Mom to the eye doctor. She's having cataract surgery next month, and today they needed to dilate her eyes so they could take measurements (or something). She also had her pre-op appointment with her GP, so I spent a lot of time hanging around reading. After we got home I basically stared at the internet. Finally roused myself to do some quick errands, said hey to sarcasticah at her library gig, and found some dinner. Decided at the last minute that I would skip the gym tonight because I just felt a little drained. Wednesday is work from home day, so I'll be able to go early and get some good time in.

Have seen more action on the scale. If the number I saw today and yesterday hangs around, it's now 87 pounds since the end of last June. Pretty good! I weigh less now than I have since probably the mid to late 80s? I can't remember what I gained when I first went away to college, but I don't think it was anything dainty like the freshman 15. Then again, I didn't weigh myself much back then. I'm about 35 pounds from what I think of as my starting college weight. And I am 127 pounds lighter than my max weight, which I figure must have been in 2000 (and probably a bit before). I had somehow dropped 30 pounds off that maximum when I weighed in at a Weight Watchers meeting back in 2005, which was probably directly due to quitting sugared soda (particularly Coke) after my diabetes diagnosis. I was completely surprised by this, actually, and made them weigh me three times. I didn't really end up embracing WW. I wish now that I had, of course. Would have been nice to have had seven more years of healthier life. Jerk.
_____________

So I have to admit it: I love feeling fitter. I love just getting up and doing things, rather than thinking about doing things first, dreading the effort, procrastinating, and eventually making myself miserable.

I love that the heat isn't affecting me like it normally would. I mean, it's been brutally hot many days this summer and I am actually loving it. I go outside to warm up and bake in the sun a bit at lunch. I don't run my air conditioner very often when I'm home, and when I do I turn it off fairly quickly after I start it.

I love little things, too, like the fact that I can run down the stairs now and that I don't THINK about it and hold onto the railing and concentrate on every step. I love knowing that my knees, while still a bit noisy, can take it. I love that I'm off two of my five daily meds, and probably can come off another. I love that I just sit on things, now, without doing elaborate mental calculations to figure if they can hold me up. I love wearing my old t-shirts and realizing that I am swimming in them. I even love having calluses on my feet from walking.

A year ago I felt hopeless and sick and miserable and disgusting and didn't know what to do with myself. Today I feel so different — healthier, happier, my normal sunny optimism restored (stop laughing). Exponentially better. Can't wait to see how I feel by this time next year!

Fabulous by fifty. I'll be 48 in a few weeks. Got a little time.

Some weeks I am more together than other weeks. I let this last week basically get away from me, and I don't even know how. The week of the fourth was nice and relaxing. I worked Thu-Sat as usual, and it was not surprisingly very quiet at work. Saturday night, P and I were supposed to see a movie, but when we got to the theater it was so sold out that there were exclamation points in the sign telling us it was COMPLETELY SOLD OUT!! Ok, FINE. We went and got some dinner, then since we needed to go back to Cambridge to get my car anyway, we decided to take a walk around Memorial Drive and cross over the BU Bridge to Storrow Drive and the parkway along there. Was a nice walk, very buggy on the Cambridge side, less so on the Boston side. About 4.5 miles. I'll admit that I was pretty sore at the end. Yay!

Sunday I started the day with an orientation session at the Y gym. My trainer was pocket-sized, 20, and adorbz. About halfway through my session, as we gossiped about music and where he liked to work out, he got this huge grin on his face and said "So I've gotten myself into a little trouble lately..." and told me that he'd started seeing two different girls, and how he was afraid they'd figure out about each other thanks to facebook because one of them was always posting pictures and he figured he'd get tagged in them. As I was lifting heavy things I first commented that one was hard enough and what was he thinking? and then reminded him that you could turn off the tagging option in facebook. He said he'd thought of that, but if he turned off tagging it would be even more obvious! He said he really needed to choose one, he knew he did, and he really needed to do it soon.

Oh, the problems of the beautifully sculpted 20-year-old.

We then bonded over the fact that his dad, also a trainer, was only four years older than I ("you look great for your age!" he chirped). So he continued to pummel me with heavy things, and by the end of the (super long) session I was battered and sore; I thanked him and as I walked away I said "take care of that problem SOON!" and he burst out laughing and swore he would. I so want to friend him on facebook to see the fallout! I suppose that would be inappropriate. Sigh!

Anyway, that pretty much did me in physically for the rest of my weekend. I was practically inert for the rest of Sunday. I managed to go out and do a little shopping, but mostly I sat around doing very little that involved my arms, back, chest, or abs. Coughing, sneezing, laughing? OW. And again on Monday I was pretty lazy. I did go out for my walk Monday night, but I was pretty slow. Everything creaked and groaned. I didn't even do the dishes.

Tuesday I started to feel a little better, and I just had lingering arm soreness. Chest was better by then, back was fine (we did chest, arms, back, and abs in my marathon session). Abs were still a little jumpy, but not painful. Of course I had to use my arms all day, as one does, so it wasn't much of a comfort that the rest of me felt better. Stupid arms. How does brushing my hair hurt? FEH! I managed to walk that night, too, a little faster this time. I saw Mary Ellen at her job at the library (I broke my walk into 2 parts and stopped at the library in the middle. Needed more audio books! My addiction, she is strong), which was nice. And I did the dishes.

Wednesday was my WFH day, so I didn't have to wash my hair (because—arms!). I managed to get my laundry done by throwing the hampers down the stairs, then sort of sadly dragging them across the basement floor to the washer. Pathetic! Went out for Thai for lunch to make myself feel better. Worked! At the end of the day I took my walk and ended up at my old apartment, visiting Patrick. Turns out it's only 2.92 miles from door to door, so that's convenient. He nicely drove me home, so I wouldn't have to stress my sore self out by making it 5.84 miles round trip.

Thursday I was still arm-wise pretty sore, but mostly the day seemed normal enough until after dinner, when I just totally put myself to bed for a nap. No walk, no television, no internet. Just nap. I woke up around 11:30, watched a couple episodes of Mad Men, and went back to bed. Had fitful dreams, very classic anxiety (for me) — I've left my caged pets for a week without feeding them in a hot attic, and suddenly now I've remembered them, that kind of thing. Usually when I dream that kind of dream I'm sick. And there was the napping thing! I don't nap. I suck at it.

But today I felt ok. Finally the arms felt pretty much healed up. I had some energy. I had to lead an orientation/training session at work, I had to sit through a firm meeting, I had some work, and I still felt ok all day. So tonight I went in for the "women and weights" training class, and lifted more heavy things. It's a freeweights class, so no fancy machines for us. Just some dumbbells, barbells, and benches. Woot! Was pretty fun. Meets 2x per week, on Mondays and Fridays, so I guess I'll keep going. After the class I got on the stationary bike and OW! I could only do five minutes at resistance 9. I have no idea what that means. I could only do two minutes on the elliptical (who says that's low impact? damn, that hurt) and then I walked home. Still, I feel pretty good about the whole thing. Yay, YMCA! I like you.

And now some sleep. Maybe tomorrow I'll use the stationary bike at work. Supposed to be too hot to go for my walk.