the past couple of weeks
Aug. 11th, 2014 12:01 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
llcoolvadTomorrow it will be three full weeks since surgery. I was intending to keep a more detailed journal of my recovery, but mostly I've been sad, lonely, in pain, feeling pathetic, and feeling like this burden would never ease, and who needs to read about that shit? Not even me. I've had excellent help from Patrick, from my mother, and from many people who've sent me cards, plants, flowers, and who have texted and called me to cheer me up. That part has been great.
I did write down a few things as I went, so here they are.
July 27, 2014
I'm feeling angry AND I'm feeling perspective at the same time.
I'm angry because I just don't feel that I was adequately prepared for the helplessness I'm feeling about my recovery. I alternate between everything being ok, reasonable, fine, and then weeping at how hard everything is and why can't I play tennis and swim right now because it's summer! Mostly I am weepy because sleeping is hard. I love sleeping, and getting into and out of bed is just sucktastic. "Sternal Precautions" are hard to remember, sometimes, especially not lifting your arms over your head. I am pretty nervous all the time that I am going to permanently damage myself. I felt a pop last night when I coughed, and I am certain that I did something bad (it really really hurt and scared me badly) but the seven different doctors at two different hospitals couldn't find anything, so I guess I am wrong. Still, each time I cough now I feel a shifting/popping/sliding. So I am angry.
But perspective: I can recover at home. I have a job that I don't need to be at for long periods of time and I still get paid. I have insurance that will cover this (once my out of pocket is met). Beyond normal surgical dangers, I wasn't in danger of dying at any particular point.
Keep the perspective in the forefront. That's really what I need to do. Hard, tho.
August 3, 2014
I probably should stop watching all the normal tv I like to watch—dark crime dramas. It's left me feeling bleak. First I watched the last six episodes of The Killing, which Netflix produced after the series was cancelled at AMC. Then I watched Top of the Lake, which is set in New Zealand and written, produced, and directed by Jane Campion, so while everything is quirky, it's also horrifically bleak. I need something more cheerful. I might switch to movies I've already watched. I can't watch comedies because laughing? It hurts!
August 10, 2014
At my first follow-up visit with one of my surgeons, they determined that I should have fluid drained from my lungs. To do that, they do an ultrasound first to determine the largest collection of fluid and they mark you up. Then they make you lean over a table, stick a needle into your back and stick a tube in and suck out the fluid (in my case, a liter). Surprisingly that part isn't bad. It's the end, when they get close to being done, and you just start coughing and coughing and it feels like you can't breathe and it hurts. Eventually, you stop coughing, mostly, and you feel slightly better.
I had more energy for a couple of days afterward and could get around without breathing hard. When I went back for my second follow-up visit with the same surgeon a week later (this last week), they did it again. This one was for what fluid was left (another liter), and was somewhat more unpleasant, as I started coughing about three minutes in (did I mention the procedure takes a long time? It does) and couldn't stop. Man. Draining in so many ways! The whole next day I was wheezy and congested, too. I had to sleep upright in my chair, because I just couldn't lie down. Bleah.
So the tap was Thursday. Friday I was just wrecked all day, and I had a visiting nurse, and we got a new fridge delivered so there was uproar (furniture had to be moved, doors had to be removed, the old fridge contents needed to be put in a cooler, the new fridge had to be loaded, uproar). I was in pain and wheezy and tired and just a mess. That night I managed to sleep in the bed, however, and woke up and felt better. I managed to go out to the store with mother, did a few errands. It's remarkable how feeling useful really helps. I think the worst part of all of this is that I have no ability to do anything and I can see all the things I usually do and it's infuriating that I can't do them. But I really don't want to mess anything up further. I haven't mentioned here already, but the pop in my chest I felt back the first Saturday after surgery was indeed me breaking a titanium staple. They didn't see it in the CAT scan, but it was obvious in the X-ray they took a week later. They say I'll heal up around it and it should be fine. I am dubious, but trying to be optimistic because I don't know if I could stand going through this again. (I don't even know what they'd do to repair it if it doesn't heal right, because I am afraid to ask.)
I only have about a week of pain meds left, if I took them every four hours like the bottle says. (Yes, I know I can ask for a refill. I did that last week. This IS the refill. I just am sick of being doped) I did an experiment today, and instead of taking a pill at 5:30pm I waited until 11:00pm and just took Tylenol. Uncomfortable, but not excruciating. Maybe I can get off the oxycodone soon. I'll save it for bed, perhaps. It makes me nod off if I'm sitting in my comfy chair, so I'd rather just cut it loose.
So anyway, my status is quo, I guess. I am finally feeling better. Tomorrow I see my primary surgeon, where I anticipate that he'll tell me that there were some micro-carcinomas in my goiter like there were in the part he removed six years ago, and that everything was contained, and that there is no further treatment that I'll require. He'll tell me everything looks good in the X-rays and that I should be fine in a while. I wish I knew what a while is, but everyone is different. Other surgeon said 8 more weeks (I think total recovery is 10-12 weeks) but that I could go back to my desk job any time I felt ready. Yay?
Patrick's BF Peter is driving me tomorrow. Are they the bestest, or what?
I did write down a few things as I went, so here they are.
July 27, 2014
I'm feeling angry AND I'm feeling perspective at the same time.
I'm angry because I just don't feel that I was adequately prepared for the helplessness I'm feeling about my recovery. I alternate between everything being ok, reasonable, fine, and then weeping at how hard everything is and why can't I play tennis and swim right now because it's summer! Mostly I am weepy because sleeping is hard. I love sleeping, and getting into and out of bed is just sucktastic. "Sternal Precautions" are hard to remember, sometimes, especially not lifting your arms over your head. I am pretty nervous all the time that I am going to permanently damage myself. I felt a pop last night when I coughed, and I am certain that I did something bad (it really really hurt and scared me badly) but the seven different doctors at two different hospitals couldn't find anything, so I guess I am wrong. Still, each time I cough now I feel a shifting/popping/sliding. So I am angry.
But perspective: I can recover at home. I have a job that I don't need to be at for long periods of time and I still get paid. I have insurance that will cover this (once my out of pocket is met). Beyond normal surgical dangers, I wasn't in danger of dying at any particular point.
Keep the perspective in the forefront. That's really what I need to do. Hard, tho.
August 3, 2014
I probably should stop watching all the normal tv I like to watch—dark crime dramas. It's left me feeling bleak. First I watched the last six episodes of The Killing, which Netflix produced after the series was cancelled at AMC. Then I watched Top of the Lake, which is set in New Zealand and written, produced, and directed by Jane Campion, so while everything is quirky, it's also horrifically bleak. I need something more cheerful. I might switch to movies I've already watched. I can't watch comedies because laughing? It hurts!
August 10, 2014
At my first follow-up visit with one of my surgeons, they determined that I should have fluid drained from my lungs. To do that, they do an ultrasound first to determine the largest collection of fluid and they mark you up. Then they make you lean over a table, stick a needle into your back and stick a tube in and suck out the fluid (in my case, a liter). Surprisingly that part isn't bad. It's the end, when they get close to being done, and you just start coughing and coughing and it feels like you can't breathe and it hurts. Eventually, you stop coughing, mostly, and you feel slightly better.
I had more energy for a couple of days afterward and could get around without breathing hard. When I went back for my second follow-up visit with the same surgeon a week later (this last week), they did it again. This one was for what fluid was left (another liter), and was somewhat more unpleasant, as I started coughing about three minutes in (did I mention the procedure takes a long time? It does) and couldn't stop. Man. Draining in so many ways! The whole next day I was wheezy and congested, too. I had to sleep upright in my chair, because I just couldn't lie down. Bleah.
So the tap was Thursday. Friday I was just wrecked all day, and I had a visiting nurse, and we got a new fridge delivered so there was uproar (furniture had to be moved, doors had to be removed, the old fridge contents needed to be put in a cooler, the new fridge had to be loaded, uproar). I was in pain and wheezy and tired and just a mess. That night I managed to sleep in the bed, however, and woke up and felt better. I managed to go out to the store with mother, did a few errands. It's remarkable how feeling useful really helps. I think the worst part of all of this is that I have no ability to do anything and I can see all the things I usually do and it's infuriating that I can't do them. But I really don't want to mess anything up further. I haven't mentioned here already, but the pop in my chest I felt back the first Saturday after surgery was indeed me breaking a titanium staple. They didn't see it in the CAT scan, but it was obvious in the X-ray they took a week later. They say I'll heal up around it and it should be fine. I am dubious, but trying to be optimistic because I don't know if I could stand going through this again. (I don't even know what they'd do to repair it if it doesn't heal right, because I am afraid to ask.)
I only have about a week of pain meds left, if I took them every four hours like the bottle says. (Yes, I know I can ask for a refill. I did that last week. This IS the refill. I just am sick of being doped) I did an experiment today, and instead of taking a pill at 5:30pm I waited until 11:00pm and just took Tylenol. Uncomfortable, but not excruciating. Maybe I can get off the oxycodone soon. I'll save it for bed, perhaps. It makes me nod off if I'm sitting in my comfy chair, so I'd rather just cut it loose.
So anyway, my status is quo, I guess. I am finally feeling better. Tomorrow I see my primary surgeon, where I anticipate that he'll tell me that there were some micro-carcinomas in my goiter like there were in the part he removed six years ago, and that everything was contained, and that there is no further treatment that I'll require. He'll tell me everything looks good in the X-rays and that I should be fine in a while. I wish I knew what a while is, but everyone is different. Other surgeon said 8 more weeks (I think total recovery is 10-12 weeks) but that I could go back to my desk job any time I felt ready. Yay?
Patrick's BF Peter is driving me tomorrow. Are they the bestest, or what?
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